I noticed that it has been about a year since I started this blog and I figured I would just post an update on my life and continue a bit.
What I've learned this year:
It doesn't matter what the contract says... if it's not clear enough things will get messy.
Money changes things, and people. For the worse.
Everyone needs someone... unless you need them more, then they don't need you.
Family is easier loved from afar... until you live afar, then you just want to be close again.
Life is a giant playground... You can choose to not follow society's set path, but you'll just be the weird kid in the corner with no friends.
You should focus on the little wins every day... because there will always be big losses to drag you down.
A sharp tongue is much more useful in battle, but it's a weapon you should never choose.
True therapy = a car ride with hot cocoa, fantastic music, and no set destination.
A true friend is one who sees everything that is wrong with you and loves you more.
A friend you don't need is one who sees everything that's wrong with you and uses it against you.
Update:
My life is very different than i pictured it to be 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and even last year.
10 years ago...
I thought i would be married and starting a family with cute little babies and dogs, an average sized house within the same area as my mom and dad, lots of cool friends and doing cool things with my life...
5 years ago...
I thought I would get my act together and start going to college... I also thought I would stay away from all the bad things in life. I thought I would have met my soulmate and we would have done some amazing things by now, and I was hoping I would have made a full length CD and had some income off of that. I wanted to lose weight and be fit and happy and excited for life!
1 year ago...
I thought I would be going somewhere with my music, I thought I would have buckled down and made the CD, I thought I would have shaped up and gotten a good job, held it down, and paid off all of my debts. I thought I would have found the place where I belonged by now. The place where I feel like I can call my own and be content to go home to. I wanted to start working on my weight and head in the right direction.
and Now? This is what I have to show to 12 yr, 17 yr, and 21 yr old me...
I've failed you all. I really wanted to do all of those things, but as time passed they got harder and harder to accomplish, and I got angrier and angrier with how pathetic I had become... which in the end killed my motivation. I'm so sorry I couldn't be better for you. I pictured everything so differently! I was naive, yes, but vibrant and hopeful... and I let myself down. I let you down. I'm glad I don't have to see the looks on your faces as you stare at me and know that this is what you'll become someday, I have a feeling you would give up altogether.
What I want to accomplish in 1 year, and for my sanity probably should....
23 yr old me:
I hope you've started heading in the right direction, lost some weight, quit some bad habits that are doing you no good, because we need to get this! Also, I hope you're still working at Torrid... and you have another good job under your belt that you're not letting go of. Be on time to work and be motivated when you get there!
I hope you've written alot of songs about everything true to you that you really feel. those are always the best. And I hope you've picked a few, made some good recordings and started to pass them out. Get yourself out there as a musician. Live your dream!
You've walked among the stars, you can do anything!
Please, please, be better than you have been. You deserve nothing more. Be able to look back on this and say that this person, today's person, that had just disappointed everyone else, can look forward to and be at peace. Today's person needs that glimmer of hope, that even though they... I... screwed everything up, I will still be okay in the end. Please give me that 23. I need you to do this.
Just believe in yourself; believe in me, believe that we can do it! I love you. I hope we can reach the stars together, because I know they're waiting for us to get there.
(I wrote this really fast... I don't really care about grammatical stuff today.)
Say What You Need To Say
That's exactly what I did, and it bit me in the arse. You know, there are some things that, as I get older, I just long for more and more.
I want someone to be close to. I want someone that's there if I've had a bad day and just need to vent. I want someone that I can just cuddle with if I want to!
I just feel like I'm so far from that. I feel like no matter what goes right in my life, that part of me is still missing. And more than ANYTHING ELSE, even all of that, I just want to not want it anymore.
I said what I needed to say, but you know what it got me.... twice as lonely, with no one to talk to but my computer. That's what really hurts.
I wanted what we had to be more, but now I just miss having someone there. If I would have just not wanted it in the first place, we would be riding smooth right now. I'm sorry for that.
I know, I know, it's ridiculously depressing. But ya know what... I'm always so good at smiling and being so happy in person, that sometimes I feel like I never get to let any of it out. Sometimes I just need to put it down somewhere and leave it there.Plus, it's a part of me, why should I ever be afraid of it...
thanks for listening... I'm gonna go eat my Lean Cuisine now.
I want someone to be close to. I want someone that's there if I've had a bad day and just need to vent. I want someone that I can just cuddle with if I want to!
I just feel like I'm so far from that. I feel like no matter what goes right in my life, that part of me is still missing. And more than ANYTHING ELSE, even all of that, I just want to not want it anymore.
I said what I needed to say, but you know what it got me.... twice as lonely, with no one to talk to but my computer. That's what really hurts.
I wanted what we had to be more, but now I just miss having someone there. If I would have just not wanted it in the first place, we would be riding smooth right now. I'm sorry for that.
I know, I know, it's ridiculously depressing. But ya know what... I'm always so good at smiling and being so happy in person, that sometimes I feel like I never get to let any of it out. Sometimes I just need to put it down somewhere and leave it there.Plus, it's a part of me, why should I ever be afraid of it...
thanks for listening... I'm gonna go eat my Lean Cuisine now.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What it Means to Me...
man... i just got scolded by my boss. (by boss, i mean the guy that's paying me for my vocals right now)
It's really hard to discern how i'm supposed to act with him... i mean, i don't even think he knows how i'm supposed to act until i do something he doesn't like!
it's such a strange boss/employee relationship to begin with... he wants to treat me like i'm a partner because that's what he wants me to be, but when i try to act like a partner i get shunned!! :( personally, i think his main concern with me being a partner, is not that he could use the extra opinion anyway... it's that he doesn't want to pay me as much as i've been contracted for. He's perfectly quaint not listening to people that aren't contracted to shut up and sing.
I think, though, from now on it would be a good idea if i just shut my mouth and do as i'm told like a good employee.
I mean, i really think that's what he wanted in the first place when he set up the contract and started charging me... but along the way he kind of changed the way he talks to me. So, while we're doing recordings/practicing/general nonsense, i'm treated like a buddy/partner but when it comes down to decision making time, i'm only allowed to question his judgement in private... and i'm sure as hell not allowed to argue with him!
i'm pretty sure there are multiple run on sentences in this, but i just needed to vent.
this is tough... but it's what i asked for. I guess i just wasn't expecting so many of the little things to get to me.
I think that's all he's asking for though, is the respect factor. He's paying for my services... he's not paying for my opinion. The second I put a price tag on myself... is the second he stopped caring about how i felt about his decisions.
ugh... why do i have to be so opinionated anyway!?!? it just makes my life complicated.
It's really hard to discern how i'm supposed to act with him... i mean, i don't even think he knows how i'm supposed to act until i do something he doesn't like!
it's such a strange boss/employee relationship to begin with... he wants to treat me like i'm a partner because that's what he wants me to be, but when i try to act like a partner i get shunned!! :( personally, i think his main concern with me being a partner, is not that he could use the extra opinion anyway... it's that he doesn't want to pay me as much as i've been contracted for. He's perfectly quaint not listening to people that aren't contracted to shut up and sing.
I think, though, from now on it would be a good idea if i just shut my mouth and do as i'm told like a good employee.
I mean, i really think that's what he wanted in the first place when he set up the contract and started charging me... but along the way he kind of changed the way he talks to me. So, while we're doing recordings/practicing/general nonsense, i'm treated like a buddy/partner but when it comes down to decision making time, i'm only allowed to question his judgement in private... and i'm sure as hell not allowed to argue with him!
i'm pretty sure there are multiple run on sentences in this, but i just needed to vent.
this is tough... but it's what i asked for. I guess i just wasn't expecting so many of the little things to get to me.
I think that's all he's asking for though, is the respect factor. He's paying for my services... he's not paying for my opinion. The second I put a price tag on myself... is the second he stopped caring about how i felt about his decisions.
ugh... why do i have to be so opinionated anyway!?!? it just makes my life complicated.
For the Times, They Are a-Changin'
So, in one day I have the rest of the month all figured out without a freaking doubt! It's such an incredible feeling to not be wondering any more.
I have some happy to vent out to you folks!
There's this guy that I've been working on a music project with, and earlier today I mentioned to him that I was planning on moving. Well, as if it was a Freaking sign from GOD, within an hour he calls me back asking me if I would be willing to sign a 30 day contract for 1000$ and work on a 4 song EP.
I tell him I'll think about it and I'll head over later to chat. Well, within that hour and a half it took me to get over there he has upped the set to 7 or 8 songs in 15 days. So, I upped the price to $1500. And we both agreed on a beautiful deal with the fine print all worked out!
So
A. I'm a freaking professional musician, making enough to sustain my living expenses for the month
-AND-
B. I'm making more as paid talent than I ever have at any job before
-NOT TO MENTION-
C. That decision I've been dying over? UT or AZ... Yep. Solved!
Mmm... life tastes good right now. Tastes like chocolate fudge. :)
I have some happy to vent out to you folks!
There's this guy that I've been working on a music project with, and earlier today I mentioned to him that I was planning on moving. Well, as if it was a Freaking sign from GOD, within an hour he calls me back asking me if I would be willing to sign a 30 day contract for 1000$ and work on a 4 song EP.
I tell him I'll think about it and I'll head over later to chat. Well, within that hour and a half it took me to get over there he has upped the set to 7 or 8 songs in 15 days. So, I upped the price to $1500. And we both agreed on a beautiful deal with the fine print all worked out!
So
A. I'm a freaking professional musician, making enough to sustain my living expenses for the month
-AND-
B. I'm making more as paid talent than I ever have at any job before
-NOT TO MENTION-
C. That decision I've been dying over? UT or AZ... Yep. Solved!
Mmm... life tastes good right now. Tastes like chocolate fudge. :)
It's the Final Count Down
I think it's time for me to decide... and I think I'm going to decide on going home.
This was a fun little getaway and I really got to bond with my family, which don't get me wrong was great, but I really need to go back and face all the things I left behind.
And like I mentioned in my earlier post, I have this feeling that I wasn't supposed to be here for another year, which kinda makes me wonder what I'm going to miss out on in Utah.
Plus, (SHHH! don't tell) I actually left some debts that no one knows about... But sooner or later they'll find me... and I need to go take care of them.
So hopefully I can find a job down there because I am having ZERO luck up here. And on top of everything else, I'm getting FAT from all of the cake and ice cream and pizza and chips and parties and family happy food... jeez! It's like twice a week we throw parties up here!!
Well there it is. I'm heading home. And it will be a good thing, I can feel it.
This was a fun little getaway and I really got to bond with my family, which don't get me wrong was great, but I really need to go back and face all the things I left behind.
And like I mentioned in my earlier post, I have this feeling that I wasn't supposed to be here for another year, which kinda makes me wonder what I'm going to miss out on in Utah.
Plus, (SHHH! don't tell) I actually left some debts that no one knows about... But sooner or later they'll find me... and I need to go take care of them.
So hopefully I can find a job down there because I am having ZERO luck up here. And on top of everything else, I'm getting FAT from all of the cake and ice cream and pizza and chips and parties and family happy food... jeez! It's like twice a week we throw parties up here!!
Well there it is. I'm heading home. And it will be a good thing, I can feel it.
Ain't About What's Waitin' on the Other Side...
I had a vivid dream... man, I'm still sick from this one... that I was climbing a huge cliff. There were always weird hand and foot holds, like at one point it was bunches of hanger tops to hook my fingers around. And then at the very top it became bars with soft balls of some type at the end.
What's more important about my dream was the very end; and the funny thing is through the entire dream I remember being focused on climbing, but I don't remember there being anyone else with me. I got to the top and I was holding on for dear life... since at this point I just climbed hundreds of feet up a 90 degree drop (haha, it's a dream, doesn't have to be realistic), and suddenly there were these 4 men at the top with me. I was happy about that because I wasn't sure if I could make it up the last little bit without help.
The first guy lunges up and makes it, and then i'm begging him to help me but he goes for his brother instead. And after he pulls his brother up, they wander off and start laughing and chatting and completely ignore me. I wanted to scream, but I knew even just the movement of my body doing that would make me lose my balance... so i just sat there. And then I woke up panting.
MAN, all that trouble, and I don't even get to figure out what the ending is...
Well regardless, I did do some dream interpretation at http://www.dreammoods.com/ ... And this is what it had to say:
To dream that you are climbing to the top of a cliff, symbolizes your ambition and drive. The dream may parallel your desires to achieve success.
(or know the answer to something? I need some help on this interpretation)
Since I almost jumped off the cliff myself (as in, almost gave up and let go when they were ignoring me), I'll put this up here for effect.--
To dream that you or someone falls off a cliff, suggests that you are going through some difficult times and are afraid of what is ahead for you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others.
This is what ignore says:
To dream that you are ignoring someone or being ignored, represents some aspect of yourself which you are not paying enough attention to.
but I think abandonment fits the scenario better:
To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes.
Before that I was in a town, but I forgot why I was there or why I left. I think that could have been a key to what my thoughts really are about where I need to be. UGH, I really wish I could figure it out.
All of that "nightmare" and interpreting, and I'm still not much closer to figuring out what is going on inside my head... All I know now is that I'm afraid. Now THAT I could have figured out without the cliff, thank you.
Oh well... more waiting I guess.
What's more important about my dream was the very end; and the funny thing is through the entire dream I remember being focused on climbing, but I don't remember there being anyone else with me. I got to the top and I was holding on for dear life... since at this point I just climbed hundreds of feet up a 90 degree drop (haha, it's a dream, doesn't have to be realistic), and suddenly there were these 4 men at the top with me. I was happy about that because I wasn't sure if I could make it up the last little bit without help.
The first guy lunges up and makes it, and then i'm begging him to help me but he goes for his brother instead. And after he pulls his brother up, they wander off and start laughing and chatting and completely ignore me. I wanted to scream, but I knew even just the movement of my body doing that would make me lose my balance... so i just sat there. And then I woke up panting.
MAN, all that trouble, and I don't even get to figure out what the ending is...
Well regardless, I did do some dream interpretation at http://www.dreammoods.com/ ... And this is what it had to say:
To dream that you are climbing to the top of a cliff, symbolizes your ambition and drive. The dream may parallel your desires to achieve success.
(or know the answer to something? I need some help on this interpretation)
Since I almost jumped off the cliff myself (as in, almost gave up and let go when they were ignoring me), I'll put this up here for effect.--
To dream that you or someone falls off a cliff, suggests that you are going through some difficult times and are afraid of what is ahead for you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others.
This is what ignore says:
To dream that you are ignoring someone or being ignored, represents some aspect of yourself which you are not paying enough attention to.
but I think abandonment fits the scenario better:
To dream that you are abandoned, suggests that it is time to leave behind past feelings and characteristics that are hindering your growth. Let go of your old attitudes.
Before that I was in a town, but I forgot why I was there or why I left. I think that could have been a key to what my thoughts really are about where I need to be. UGH, I really wish I could figure it out.
All of that "nightmare" and interpreting, and I'm still not much closer to figuring out what is going on inside my head... All I know now is that I'm afraid. Now THAT I could have figured out without the cliff, thank you.
Oh well... more waiting I guess.
The White Man's Greed, in Search of Gold
It's hard to find "gold" if you don't know where you're supposed to be looking, but especially if you don't know what form it will be in. What I mean by that, is trying to find the perfect place to live, and be the perfect person... I just don't know how to go about it...***
All I want is to find my happy, but for some reason I've lost where I'm supposed to be right now. I've burned all of my bridges at home, and I've gotten myself so far into debt that I don't think I can get out of it alone. And every day feels like a struggle inside.
I put on a happy face, but inside, the reason I ran in the first place is because I hate what I'm doing and where I'm going... and who I'm becoming... And as it turns out, i'm not doing much of anything here either. All I want is to find what i'm looking for, but I feel like it's still so far away from me. I wish I just knew where to look for it. Even just where i'm really supposed to be.
I'm still in the wrong place. I wake up every morning, and I realize that I'm early. I wasn't supposed to make this move for a year, but now that I've lost my job and am not sure about my fallback, I feel like I have nowhere to go but here. Not to mention the small detail that in my last location, I wasn't exactly "pure" and I'm not even sure if I could get back there with that POS that I drive!
Don't get me wrong baby, I love you, but you know as well as I do I need to stop pushing you like that before you blow up with me inside...
All I want is to know the answer... the REAL one i'm looking for... not just the irrational one that I really hope is the right one.
I can't keep on running. But I also can't decide if going back is running from the place I just got to, or if it's facing what I've just run from. If it's the first, then maybe going back is not the best option anymore.
Welp... I'll decide another day. For now, my bed is calling my name.
P.S. Preface:
I up and decided to move to AZ from UT one day because i was miserable, but when i got to AZ i figured out that i was still miserable, just not as much. I also figured out that i shouldn't have moved here until later anyway, because no one needed me in AZ... but there was someone that needed me in UT.
and now i can't decide if i should stay, man up here, and quit running like i always do... or if i need to go back and face what i left behind...
***And the blue is what I came back and added later.
All I want is to find my happy, but for some reason I've lost where I'm supposed to be right now. I've burned all of my bridges at home, and I've gotten myself so far into debt that I don't think I can get out of it alone. And every day feels like a struggle inside.
I put on a happy face, but inside, the reason I ran in the first place is because I hate what I'm doing and where I'm going... and who I'm becoming... And as it turns out, i'm not doing much of anything here either. All I want is to find what i'm looking for, but I feel like it's still so far away from me. I wish I just knew where to look for it. Even just where i'm really supposed to be.
I'm still in the wrong place. I wake up every morning, and I realize that I'm early. I wasn't supposed to make this move for a year, but now that I've lost my job and am not sure about my fallback, I feel like I have nowhere to go but here. Not to mention the small detail that in my last location, I wasn't exactly "pure" and I'm not even sure if I could get back there with that POS that I drive!
Don't get me wrong baby, I love you, but you know as well as I do I need to stop pushing you like that before you blow up with me inside...
All I want is to know the answer... the REAL one i'm looking for... not just the irrational one that I really hope is the right one.
I can't keep on running. But I also can't decide if going back is running from the place I just got to, or if it's facing what I've just run from. If it's the first, then maybe going back is not the best option anymore.
Welp... I'll decide another day. For now, my bed is calling my name.
P.S. Preface:
I up and decided to move to AZ from UT one day because i was miserable, but when i got to AZ i figured out that i was still miserable, just not as much. I also figured out that i shouldn't have moved here until later anyway, because no one needed me in AZ... but there was someone that needed me in UT.
and now i can't decide if i should stay, man up here, and quit running like i always do... or if i need to go back and face what i left behind...
***And the blue is what I came back and added later.
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