One Day at a time, and I Say, We'll be just fine.

Today is my five monthiversary J as my awesome friend so lovingly named it… I’m really excited to be this far into my recovery!

I’m nervous as well… and a little lonely. Luckily though the further I get from where I was the more I remember the pain rather than the pleasure… and of that pain I remember enough about the friendships I had to know that I am currently in far less pain than I would be in if I was still out there. I’m blessed every day to be this far away from it, and getting further every second I choose to stay. I’m clean J and not just sober… I’m really, really clean. I feel clean on the inside. I feel like my soul took a bubble bath and the tar just washed away. Obviously it didn’t happen like that, it was much harder and took much more work… but I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought I could feel the way I feel about myself right now… ever. I am just so… thankful.

There is a lot of pain associated with this side as well. I mentioned feeling lonely… and it’s definitely not because I’m alone or because of the type of people I’m surrounded by, because they are definitely of a different caliber. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I am used to being filled with a different light. This light that I have now, though twenty times brighter and more filling, is not filling the places of myself that I’m used to having filled… and so they still feel empty. Though a somber note, I know that this feeling will pass with time as I let go of what I believe that I need and hold more strongly to what I know I want. I want purity J I love purity and the wonderful feeling it leaves me with at the end of the day, when I know that I’ve done what I truly needed to and did not falter from it.
But that’s not necessarily the only pain… I feel pain every day for the people I remember loving from that world… The people I still think of daily and want nothing more than to go back and find. I still love them… I still miss them. I still know every day that what I felt in my heart for them was true and pure… and though the person that I was didn’t show it so clearly, my heart wants nothing more than to know that they are safe. It pains me every day that I have no idea.