The moment I wake up, before I put on my make-up...

I've been reading about Alma the younger in the scriptures lately and I feel a really strong connection with his story. I feel like I can relate to him, and understand what his regrets and his desires may have been as well… and I think he is an inspiration to all those who have known the truth and have chosen to fall away. I’m not gonna lie, to marry a man like Alma the younger… that would be awesome!

I love the idea of becoming the type of woman that can possibly one day achieve that. If I stick to what I'm doing right now, and do a lot more improving as well, I may just be able to find a man that is truly a man of god, and that will be able to take me on a righteous path to the places where we should go. :) A man that I can not only grow old with, but a man that I can look forward to an eternity of happiness with.

I want to do as much good as I can in this world before I go... I know I've done a fair amount of bad for those around me, but I want to make up for that and then some. I want to know that I've saved lives, and assisted people in finding who they are, assisted them in aligning themselves with the path that leads to who they want to be. I believe now that I'm on my way to becoming that very woman. :) Thank goodness for that! haha

One Day at a time, and I Say, We'll be just fine.

Today is my five monthiversary J as my awesome friend so lovingly named it… I’m really excited to be this far into my recovery!

I’m nervous as well… and a little lonely. Luckily though the further I get from where I was the more I remember the pain rather than the pleasure… and of that pain I remember enough about the friendships I had to know that I am currently in far less pain than I would be in if I was still out there. I’m blessed every day to be this far away from it, and getting further every second I choose to stay. I’m clean J and not just sober… I’m really, really clean. I feel clean on the inside. I feel like my soul took a bubble bath and the tar just washed away. Obviously it didn’t happen like that, it was much harder and took much more work… but I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought I could feel the way I feel about myself right now… ever. I am just so… thankful.

There is a lot of pain associated with this side as well. I mentioned feeling lonely… and it’s definitely not because I’m alone or because of the type of people I’m surrounded by, because they are definitely of a different caliber. But I think it has more to do with the fact that I am used to being filled with a different light. This light that I have now, though twenty times brighter and more filling, is not filling the places of myself that I’m used to having filled… and so they still feel empty. Though a somber note, I know that this feeling will pass with time as I let go of what I believe that I need and hold more strongly to what I know I want. I want purity J I love purity and the wonderful feeling it leaves me with at the end of the day, when I know that I’ve done what I truly needed to and did not falter from it.
But that’s not necessarily the only pain… I feel pain every day for the people I remember loving from that world… The people I still think of daily and want nothing more than to go back and find. I still love them… I still miss them. I still know every day that what I felt in my heart for them was true and pure… and though the person that I was didn’t show it so clearly, my heart wants nothing more than to know that they are safe. It pains me every day that I have no idea.

525 Thousand, 600 Minutes.... How do you measure?

I love my savior, and I love my Heavenly Father. I love them for the family that they are to me. I love them for what they have given me every day of my life, and that every day I wake up and though things may feel or seem bleak, they continue to give me strength and they continue to bless my life with beauty. I have cared so much about what other people have thought. The more I do the right things the more I fear the consequences of my actions. If my life is going nowhere at all, what is the fear in what there is to lose, or the hope of the promise of what might be gained? There is none. I have no fear of the consequences for I care not of what the outcomes will be. But when I put more effort into my life, when I strive for more... it means more. It holds more sentiment within it, and it is followed by so much more brilliance or defeat that it cannot under any circumstances be viewed as meaningless.

I want stability. My desires for myself are simply to be able to be, and be successfully. To live free, free of my fear of what lay ahead of me. free of the constraints of failure, and able to enjoy the delicacy of a properly constructed life. In the moment when my life reaches that point, it will be visible, it will be a change that others can see... for I will live delicately. :)

....But then, is a delicate life what fits me? Is it just that I have never lived delicately, is that why I feel it may not work? How can I know until I try?

Even if it is not exactly what matches what I want to become... what better place to start from than 90% of the way there? :)

I don't know what I want because I don't know what the "personal best" I'm searching for feels like, and moreover I don't necessarily know what it feels like to continue past it... to achieve more. I wonder if I would become stagnant... complacent... I know I have in the past. And by far the hardest fall, a shock wave that reinvented my Richter scale, came immediately after I had achieved a personal best and capped myself off at it. As if the rest of my life was going to be spent simply maintaining the 100% best I had just discovered. That did not sit well in my life. Especially when I started to fall... because it happened fast, and quietly. I almost didn't even recognize what was happening until I was almost pinned to the ground under the weight of a thousand pounds of pressure. I had completely forgotten that there was more to be had... and that I had only achieved success in one area of my life, while utterly neglecting every other facet of myself.

more on this later... It had just been far too long so I thought I would post a release :)

It's a new year with a new life, and creating a new story with a new-found understanding of grace, the atonement, and simply... who I am. :)

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again.

Some people who have tasted addiction will spend the rest of their lives chasing the feeling they once knew, or chasing the freedom they wish they had; and never being able to see anything in-between. I cry for those bound to this vicious reality, and I cry for fear of the vision I have of myself bound to the same fate becoming my reality.

That is my truth for today. May it be only a memory tomorrow.

I'll also leave you with one more truth. I know that this is my choice. I've known from the beginning that my fate is in my hands. I am always aware that my view of the future does not have to be so dim, and that by the time I get there it may be a completely different scene. I am also not aftraid of the understanding that I have drawn my cards myself; that I have played this hand, and I have brought myself to where I am today. I am not afraid of it, though I am hurt inside. I'm hurt because I have the intelligence to see more than one future. I can see the choices lay before me and I can see the outcomes they may bring. I'm hurt because of the choices I have made to bring me to where I am. I am thankful everyday for the strength I have learned to hold, though it may lie dormant, I know every day that it is there. I'm thankful that I have been able to make the choices I've made and not to have made the decision to let it all go. I hold pride in that fact.

That is the bittersweet I see all around me. May it get sweeter with every new choice made.

millions of peaches, peaches for me!

So here I sit, at my computer, with a glass of water and apple sauce in a cup. It's becoming my favorite snack these days. I just love the way the apple sauce sweetly and smoothly goes down, followed by the bitter aftertaste of a crisp apple with the swallow of water... it makes me feel healthy :-P I haven't had the benefit of that feeling too often in my life. Well, I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out, but from this point forward (at least for this post, and maybe others) there will be no going back, deleting, changing what I wrote... It will all be exactly the way it spilled out of my head. I mean, it doesn't matter much since no one reads this, but if someone did (that wasn't me) then they would get to see my innermost workings exactly how I see them. Raw and unbridled.

Moving on... So Yesterday I wrote out a well constructed contract for a loan from my dad. He was impressed, which made me happy but was not the goal. The goal was to get all of my fines and fees taken care of before I drop dead of a worry stroke! Well, I think he is definitely leaning towards it which made me feel so much relief, I have to tell you. Now that is one less thing to worry about for a little while (and it happens to be the most worrysome of my worries).

I've been learning alot about my true character lately... now, I know I've said that before, but what I mean this time is what my character looks like when i'm not trying to impress anyone. What makes my clock actually tick. It might be strange that I don't know that answer yet, but you would be surprised how many of my years were spent day in and day out acting (literally) as if there was someone watching me, constantly, behind closed doors, in public crowds, amongst friends, even amongst my family. It has just been as of late that I've been growing into my own skin, and my own opinion. Surprising, isn't it? Actually, much more sad than anything. Anyway, that's not the main point. The main point is I am finding that I like my true character. :) I have a very valid opinion, I have different views on things than others and I have a voice and a vocabulary to back them up. I'm also finding some flaws that i was previously somewhat unaware of; such as my inability to care a little, or any normal amount for that matter. I either don't care at all, or I care with every inch of my person... but there isn't much of an in-between for me, that is, other than the fact that I have empathy and general caring for every living creature. Outside of that... not really much middle ground.

Alright, these posts are always unbelievably long (might be playing a part in the lack of readers), so I'll stop there and go get ready for the day. Thanks for holding my thoughts Blogger :) and Thank you, anonymous eyes, for staying anonymous. It makes it easier to write anything if I don't know who can see it. It must be a blessing for now.

pardon me while I burst into flames...

I'm so freaking stressed right now!! I've been number crunching, and deliberating on what needs to be done about my fines, my court date, all the little fees that have to be paid before february; it has my head in a whirl. I literally feel like there's so much mental friction going on, my brain may spontaneously combust!!

For those of you who don't know:
I got a ticket on January 2nd for an array of things, the main one being a DUI (also included no insurance, open container, failure to signal for 2 seconds, driving on a suspended license, etc.). I looked into all of it and found out on average the fines and fees can reach around $10,000 just for the DUI! On top of that the No Insurance on its own is $1000. LUCKILY though, I got a fantastic attorney with discounted services that is working on my side. I have a good feeling about that, which helps, but it really doesn't take away much of the queasy feeling I get when I think about the huge numbers I saw.
Another snag I ran into is I didn't read my ticket thoroughly enough... I was supposed to mail in within 10 days for a license hearing which was separate from the arraignment hearing for my charges. I thought that when I scheduled the arraignment I was done so I didn't worry about mailing anything else in. Well, I was wrong, and realized it 1 day after the deadline. I ended up having to turn in a late hearing request in person and hope that they approve it, otherwise my license is automatically suspended for up to 18 months. I still haven't heard any info on that so the knots in my stomach are finding absolutely no relief in that department.
Ok, enough with the bad news, I can feel my face growing more worry lines with each passing minute.
On the bright side, when I talked to my attorney (and my mother :P) I was told that with some preparation, alot of this can be handled and possibly dropped off of the ticket. Yay! :) I'm potentially climbing my way out of this hole I've dug! It's a good thing too, cause I was beginning to hear some oriental music through the dirt. :P Get it? dug my way to China... heh.. It's funny!!
Anywho, although it seems very possible, it's not gonna be cheap.
So now, I need to get SR-22 insurance on myself and my car by the 26th to avoid losing my registration ($150-200); I also need to get my license reinstated by the time I have the court hearing so it will look better to the judge (hopefully only $30), and pay a fine by the 1st of February to avoid getting my license re-suspended (another $170), I need to pay my attorney (which although discounted is not cheap), I have 2 more tickets to get paid before they come after me ($320-350), and on top of everything else... my car doesn't currently turn on :/ (replacement battery 100$, also needs to be looked at for some other glitches). Not one price tag in there includes anything pertaning to my actual DUI either. I can even guarantee you that I'm forgetting a few things in this list!
I don't know how it's possible to have bitten off as much as I have.. but I really hope I can find a way to chew it before I choke and suffocate.

WHEW!!! Man, thanks for listening. having all of that pent up inside of me was driving me nuts! Thank goodness I had somewhere to write it out and leave it.
Anyway, on my Step By Step list of all of the things that must be done in order for me to get through this hell hole, the next item happens to be a good night's rest! :) So I will give you an update as soon as I have one to give; but for now, this will suffice.
I'll talk to you later, bye!

Isn't it ironic, don't you think..

It's been such a long time since I've put anything on here, I can barely believe it (not that I posted that much before :P). Honestly, I remember back in the day more than anything I wanted a diary... Something I could just fill with my day's nonsense. Sadly, every time I tried to start one I would write religiously for about a month, and then it would dwindle (quite quickly) to nothing. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the best track record with blogging or journaling... but I still would like to share as often as I can. Especially since I want to find a career in writing, and the best way to become a better writer is to write. :)
One thing I do have to say is the time between my last blog and this one has been the time of my life that has brough the most change, the most mayhem, the most deterioration, the most messes, by far the most destruction.

My last blog post was in April of last year... well, in May of last year, I lost the thing that was most important to me at the time; My job at Torrid. It was a truly devastating blow. Yes, I've been fired before, but the reason for any other time was that I just didn't care about the job enough to want to keep it. This job, it was perfect for me in every way. I just got complacent and let myself slip in areas that I should not have.
Well, after I got fired, I went on a rapid downward spiral. I drank as much as I could, as often as I could.. I avoided going home at all.. I sometimes would get into my car and drive for hours just wishing I had enough gas to run away.
I finally had reached my breaking point. on June 16th 2011, I had it decided that the world would be better off without this self-destructive mess screwing up the planet... so I made a plan. I took what I thought would be the most dangerous pills from the kitchen cabinet and I drove to find a place to take them. You really don't need to know the details... I don't think i would want to write them anyway, I haven't fully forgiven myself for that. The point is... it failed. After that, in the hospital, I had a psych evaluation and the doctor I spoke to recommended a psych ward stay. And therein begins the next chapter.
I was in and out of different hospitals, psych wards and outpaitent programs for months.. I had many false suicide attempts (some pretty dangerous), and 2 real ones.. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality, Borderline Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1 Mixed, Major Depression, OCD, ADHD and more.. I lost many, many friends through my horrible, selfish, actions.. I got into unhealthy relationships in unhealthy living environments.. I gave myself an array of permanent scars in places I can't hide.. and I had so many types of pills thrown at me at some points that my family felt like they had lost me completely. Honestly, for a while there, they had. I watched myself disappear.
Luckily though, the one thing I know about destruction is... it's followed by rebirth.

I have learned so much about myself through the intense psychiatric treatment I received.. I learned what I have been doing to myself and to others, and how to catch myself in it. I learned how to be okay with what can't be changed, and how to change what can. I learned that everyone has their bouts of crazy, and that it's always possible to get to the other side of it.
I became a horrible, ugly, disgusting person; and then I went through bloody battles with myself, fighting to be better than I had been.
I came out with bruises, scars, mental trauma, and one really bad tattoo :P... but the point is.. I made it out.
Once everything has been broken down to nothing, something new and more brilliant can be built in its place.
I don't know what is coming next, I dont know what the future holds or where I'll be in ten years, five years, even one... I don't even know if I'll make it another year without falling again... But I do know that right now, I'm proud of the work that has been done. I know I haven't exactly moved up in the world, but I think I've definitely moved forward.
All I can say is I'm gonna have so much freakin' wisdom later in life :P If I'm gracious for any part of my heinous history, it's the knowledge I've gained. Thank you for that.